The liberation of love

Your relationship with yourself has to be as good as your relationship with your ideal partner.

When I heard those words, it was one of those big “AHA” moments. I was already working hard on figuring myself out for years up to that point. I always found loving myself a bit confusing, uncomfortable, and hard to recognize whether I was doing the right kind of work for me.  

Being able to tap into our emotions and see everyone and everything as a mirror; that is our true magic. This is where you’ll locate your power.

It took twenty years of solid research and dedication to my personal growth, to get to where I am now. I’m not saying this is what it takes for everyone. But for me, I needed a LOT of growing pains, and many figurative bricks upside the head to shed my childhood beliefs. Bringing forth the women I always wanted to be.  

With grace and humility, I can show you how.

In more recent years, as I walked to the end of the seemingly never-ending tunnel, the warm light, finally, shines on my face. I close my eyes, smile, and breathe deeply, as I reflect on just how hard it can be to learn something new as an adult; that goes against everything you ever knew as a child.  

But you can. You can change the past and the beliefs that come with it, by changing how they affect you in the present. You’re capable of pulling the fibers of your life apart bit by bit, to find out exactly who you’ve become, and who you really need to be.  

For yourself, your dreams, and for the world around you……..

As a child, I grew up in a turbulent environment. My parents did their best for me, with the tools they had. They would spend their last dollar, literally, if it meant getting me something that would make me happy. But we were living in hard times then. Spending their last dollar happened often. We lived cheque to cheque; some of this government welfare. Our house was filled with mold that ten years later would have us removed because the place needed to be condemned-due to “unhealthy living conditions”. We had no-idea of the mold until the health department showed up. Years later, this would explain a lot about the health issues we had, maybe we can attribute to some we still have. And maybe it was the oil refinery in the field next to us that turned our water black and billowed black smoke from the pipes.

Here, depression loomed as thick as the suspicious smells coming from our home. And alcohol was the purifier.

It wasn’t always this way though. This all started shortly after my dad lost a good job of eighteen years. The company decided it was “revamping” by letting go of anyone over the age of thirty. It was so unfair! He worked so hard for eighteen years as a cameraman there. He went to school for film and loved his job. He was never late a single day in his life. AND only missed one day sick because he had a heart attack. After the lay-off he would go-on to have four more.

My dad’s work ethic is as solid as his will to live for “his girls”, as he lovingly referred to my mom and I. Like no one I’ve ever met before, his devotion to all his responsibilities, family and work alike, was unshakable.

And just like that, they let him go. His dedication meant nothing. His love and daily effort for his workplace, his unheard-of reliability, and his experience meant nothing. He was sucker punched and discarded out the back door like a piece of garbage, for his years of loyalty and hard work.  

Of course, their unethical reasons behind his release were illegal. So, they offered him a buyout-he took it alongside his pride, and walked with a positive heart out the studio doors. “There’s no way I won’t find another job my girls. I have a great resume. And hey, I’ve always dreamed of becoming a photographer, maybe this is my chance!” He said with his arms around us, trying to relieve my mother and I of worry. 

So, we moved out of the city, from our happy, and “normal” family household, to more affordable living. In order for my dad to continue to be unemployed, while he searched for his dream job.  

The tiny town we moved into was filled with mansions, most of these surrounding a big lake. And at ten years old, were the wealthiest people I had ever seen. For me it felt like we were the outcasts living in a shack, on the discarded side of the tracks. Riding on the dreams of my father with my fingers crossed. Our “new to us” home was quaint and placed on two acres of land. The basement was filled with relentless cobwebs and surprise spiders that would randomly fall from the ceiling and land on you. I still have bad dreams about that basement.  

We got some animals for the land, who became my best friends. These creatures would never judge me for what I had or didn’t have. They had compassion and made me feel safe. All the things I was yearning for. School here was one of the hardest experiences of my life. Constant bullying would drag my spirit beneath my classmates. I thought I had nothing, and therefore was worth nothing. And my so-called “peers” worked diligently to make me feel that way. To the unendurable point of suffering, when I felt the need to take my life. I don’t think I ever told my parents about the attempted suicide. Honestly, I didn’t want to hurt them or add to their stress. The glass was dull, and thankfully not as easy as they make it look in the movies.  

It wouldn’t be long after my family’s “fresh start” that my dad’s dreams, and our optimism would begin to dissipate.  

All the other T.V. studios were following suit, and “revamping” the workplace in the same heartless manner. The buyout was spent, and we were broke. Again, we were left to do what we had to do. My dad picked up whatever job he could find. One spirit-breaking labor job after another, trying to keep us afloat. My mother took a job as a waitress at the neighborhood gas station diner. These moments were crushing to our family. My dad’s dreams turned into smoke; his role as the provider and protector fizzling. The impact this had to have on his self-esteem I can only imagine. 

At the end of every shift, I saw the sadness in his face. My mother’s dignity turned into necessity. Trying her best to act for me and herself, as if this wasn’t that bad. Both of them felt so much shame because of the forced new life-they didn’t want. My heart bleeds when I think of that, and this shift in time for us.

And there I was, learning a lot of hard lessons about life.

My teen years in this town were filled with my own depression, obvious resentment, and pain. Like the bully’s in my school, I couldn’t see past my own existence. I never learned about self-respect, or that I had a lick of value to me. We were all too focused on surviving and distracting ourselves from that survival. I searched for love and safety in all the wrong places. Spending my time with “gangsters” and “bad boys”. I believed the “tougher” my friends were, the tougher I was, and therefore the more security and safety I would have. I didn’t actually realize what it was I was looking for back then. Or how unsafe the instability of our life made me feel. I thought my sharp edges were keeping me safe.

During this time, my parents were always standing on the edge of divorce. As they drank their numbing juice, I’d get their insight. “Making the best of it,” they would say justifying a heavy night out. My mother sympathetically would try to apologize and sooth the obvious discomfort in my eyes. “Life is hard Jessie. I’m sorry, I wish I could do something to change that”. My head hanging low, I’d slam my bedroom door.

“Life is hard,” seemingly my country theme song that would sit at the top of the charts for twenty years to come. Life would go-on to hand me abusive boyfriends, money problems, depression, violence, multiple health issues, and more rock bottom moments than I care to count. Because, THAT is what I grew up believing. My mother’s words would shape the majority of my life without me even knowing it. Without her knowing, what the impact those words would later carve into my script. The hard life was what I was comfortable with, subconsciously even looking for.

The hard life was what I was comfortable with, subconsciously even looking for.

Until around thirty years of age, when I started to go towards that flickering light at the end of that tunnel. That is exactly who I thought I was. Hardened and filled with pain that I masked as anger. That was all I thought life had to offer me.

Back at the farm, my folks started to become creative with their money making, by rescuing animals who had been abused or neglected. The owners wouldn’t want the expense, or sometimes they just wouldn’t have the first clue how to train them, ending up with unruly pets. They’d throw the responsibility to anyone else willing to take it. Posting the animals in an ad in the “For free” section of the local paper. My parents would get up at the crack of dawn to get the paper and the freebies before anyone else could. Some of these animals were wild, some sick and neglected, some just had babies the owners didn’t want. We’d happily snatch them up. I would train the dogs, my mom the horses. We would love them, nurse them back to health, then sell them for a profit to a good home. That was our rule though, no matter what the offer, we had to believe our temporary family members were going to a good home. 

As a lonely child, you can imagine how hard this was for me. I’d make a best friend, love them and they would love me, then let them go. All for our family’s survival. I learned how to shut my emotions on and off like a light switch. Least that’s what I thought. All I was actually doing was digging a grave for my feelings, burying them one on top of the other. And for years and years after, I watered the weeds that grew from that soil. This practice of non-attachment was my way of surviving the incessant heartbreak of losing my furry loved ones. Non-attachment also revived me time and time again, from all the emotional deaths and those near drowning rock bottom moments. This resulted in years of emotional bodies piled up and many deep-rooted weeds. Much later, I’d come to learn how well that practice serves me now. I’ll have you know, I’m now an incredible gardener.

Thankfully, we always had a supply of animals rotating through our home to distract me. My parents would take me to all the country fairs, where I would compete in showing the pure breed animals we got, and in the different horse competitions. Mom taught me everything I know about horses; I call her the “Horse Whisperer” to this day. We had many horses, but one of the main beasts was mine for a while. He was part Clydesdale, heavy as a truck with the personality of a loyal old dog. My favorite place to do my homework was sitting bareback and backwards on him, with my books open across his hind end, (he was that wide!) while he grazed on the grass. You know the Avatar movie? The scene where Jake learns how to ride the Direhorse by directing it through his connection. No reins, nothing but pure feeling and thought. This is a real thing!  

My loyal beast and I would fly through the fields with no riding equipment. Only the grip of his mane and the pressure of my legs holdings us together. With the movement of my body, we’d turn and stop on a dime, rarely a voice command needed. This natural bonding went for a lot of the horses we had. They are such intelligent, sensitive, and intuitive creatures. It’s really magical. The horses will be what you are. If you're nervous, they will be nervous, if you're calm and in control, they will feel safe with you, and reflect that energy back. Like a mirror that can only see inside you.

Not too long ago, I did a short stint with a horse therapy stable. They specialized in children with anxiety and “learning disabilities''. It was incredible watching the horses mirror the child’s energy. They were allowed to stand about twenty feet away from horses to start. And if the horse felt comfortable enough, the child would slowly get to come closer, and sometimes even pet them. Like with myself, this taught the children about self-awareness and how their emotions affected other beings. It taught them patience, consideration and respect for others feelings. I hope the children one day realize the power of what they were learning. In class, the horses gave signals with their body language, then the instructors would point out the signals, translating to the child how they were making the horse feel.

The horses were never trained to give these signals; they would act naturally. But if you knew how to speak their language, you could see what they were telling you. All beings are connected like this, if you look closely enough, you can see everything is connected just like that. Being able to tap into our emotions and see everyone and everything as a mirror; that is our true magic. This is where you’ll locate your power. 

Today, my parent’s lives are completely different. They’re happy, churchgoing folks. Free from self-medication and depression. My relationship with them is strong, and full of love and connection. They stuck together through thick and thin. They never gave up. I didn’t give up.

As my wounds healed over the years, as I learned about myself, my compassion grew while my resentment died. I gained the utmost respect for my mom as a woman, a mother, and my Courageous Leader. I smile every time I think of her strength, imperishable bravery, and unconditional love. My father, the most patient, hard-working, warm, Divine Hero I will ever know. I hid so much from them growing up. I wanted to protect them and keep them safe.

Like most people, we give fully what we wish we had.

As for myself, I feel like my life’s just beginning. I am filled with gratitude for my eternal enrollment in the “school of life”, formally the “school of hard knocks”. Life actually never let me down. It was giving me what I was looking for. What I believed I deserved. How much value I put on myself, was the value I’ve always received. With hard, diligent work, my resentment, anger, and subconscious attraction to the “hard life” is gone…

I will love you know matter what. No matter what you do or what you’ve done. You’re such a beautiful girl, with the biggest heart. You can do anything you put your mind too.

-Mom & Dad-

It took me twenty years to learn those words from my parents that needed to be said in a mirror. That was the energy, I always needed to reflect back.

In this life, there is absolutely nothing more important than building the healthiest relationship you can-with yourself.

You must, liberate yourself with love.